December 23rd, 2011

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Microfiction: Time On His Hands, by D. Mark Alderton

Time On His Hands
by D. Mark Alderton

“It’s about parallel lines in time,” Professor Johnson explained. “Time travel is perfectly possible, it’s just difficult.”

I was really too old for this kind of stuff, but the magazine had sent me to interview the 29 year old wunderkind and it was just another assignment. “So, Professor, have you done any time travelling yourself?”

“Indeed I have. I have gone through the millennia looking for the perfect woman. Someone smart, beautiful, and who could inspire us to scale the sexual heights.”

This was starting to get interesting. I don’t know if my editor would go for “Perv Professor Travels Through Time” but what did I have to lose? “Where did you go?”

“I started out with the most famous women in history. But they were disappointing. Cleopatra was young and nubile, but too kinky for my tastes.”


“Yes, she was only interested in asp play. Then I sought out Helen of Troy.”

“Did her face really launch a thousand ships?”

“More like they used her face to carve a thousand ships. It was one disappointment after another. You know who was the worst? Marie Antoinette.”

“How so? She was supposed to be one of the most stunning women of 18th century France.”

“And she was… from a distance. Do you know what personal hygiene was like in 18th century France? There’s a reason they used all that perfume and powder.”

“It sounds like you were disappointed,” I said, preparing to close my notebook.

“Oh, no, I realized I was focusing on fame instead of looking for someone who would challenge me as an equal. I found her right here on campus.”

“Well that was convenient.”

“Sixty years ago. She was a graduate student. I met her, told her I came from the future, and she didn’t bat an eyelash. The science was way too advanced for her, of course. It would have been too advanced for Einstein, who was still alive at that point. But we connected on an intellectual level, and then on an emotional and physical one as well.”

“I thought women were pretty repressed back then.”

“Not her. Oh no. She was a free thinker. Every generation thinks it discovered sex. Well, if anyone was an explorer, she was. Did you know you could perform sixty-nine while suspended from a trapeze? She could. She had one installed in her room. She even made it adjustable so I wouldn’t strain myself while I, um, explored her honeypot.” He seemed to blush at this, but then he went on. “I don’t how she controlled herself while all that blood was rushing to her head when, at the same time, all that blood was rushing to, ahem, my head.” He blushed some more.

“Really?” I was skeptical. “Where do you suppose she got these ideas?”

“She was fearless. She had found a book of sexual positions in the restricted section of the college library. We spent weeks working out all the kinks she found. I didn’t even know they had vibrators back then. One night when we were going at it I found out the hard way when I felt an unexpected visitor behind me. Thank goodness they had lube back then as well. Of course I could only stay for 24 hours at a time, but I remember another time when we tried a position called ‘the Crab’…”

“Hold on. What’s this about 24 hours? “

He suddenly calmed down from his frenzied memories. “Ah, we came up against the quantum time flux. Once I visited a particular day, I couldn’t go back. I could go to the next day, but after a while the restricted zone spread. After a while the entire decade was closed off to me and I couldn’t go back at all. She was not only the greatest fuck of my life. She was the great love of my life and now she was lost to me. And that’s why I asked you here today. I want you to help me find Martha Gruber for me…”

My jaw dropped. “Martha….”

“Yes, your mother…. Son. I’ve missed her terribly. I can’t go back, but YOU can. You can bring her forward. The paradox doesn’t affect people traveling forward in time. She could stay here. Go get your mother. Bring her to me. I’m aching for her, and not just in my pants.”

Now I started to blush. I had never known my father, but I still didn’t want to think of my mother as a sexual creature. “Hold on. If I even believe this wet dream of yours, why should I go back? If I can bring my mother into the present, who will raise me?”

“Don’t be silly, son. You’re already raised. We’d just be creating a parallel time line. Help us get back together. She’ll come. I know she will.”

“And if she won’t?”

“Oh, she will. Tell her I haven’t forgotten her during our separation.” And then he gave me a funny smile. “And tell her I’ve found a few books, too.”

D. Mark Alderton is the author of two previous e-stories for Circlet, the stand-alone “The Human Equation,” and “The Shock of the New,” appearing in the Like A Spark anthology. In his real life he has published several other books.  His friends still have no idea.  

Mirrored from Circlet Press: Welcome to Circlet 2.0.